András Feldmár psychotherapist newly turned 80, so we collected 10 thought-provoking quotes from him. He leads and takes part in numerous international psychotherapeutic researches in Europe, Canada and the USA. Furthermore, he has worked in Ukraine and Kosovo due to the assignment of the UN.
“If the task is too big to myself, I am in anxiety. If the task is too small, I feel bored. The flow is the tiny little road between anxiety and boredom, where I am not in anxiety neither feel bored – this is happiness.”
“We live in a very merciful universe. Sun shines on everybody, be bad or mad. Sun doesn’t discriminate, shines on everybody, you don’t have to do anything for it. It shines on the idlers too. It shines on those who doesn’t even “deserve it”. Isn’t it beautiful?”
Every child is honest for a little while, until he or she learns that it can get them into trouble. We teach children to lie. We teach them not to heave what they want. Simply: we put them to shame for what they say. Do you want vanilla ice cream? Now? Are you crazy? That’s enough. The point is not that the child wants something else and he or she must learn that it is not allowed to ask vanilla ice cream at 9 pm. The point is that the child must learn: every desire originated from the heart should be hidden.
“Every face I investigate is a mirror. We reflect each other. Either we are real mirrors and reflect the reality or we meet distorted mirrors in an enchanted castle. As a child we don’t know that our family members are distorted or genuine mirrors.”
The other thing we can do for each other is that to encourage each other. It is breathtaking to find out how much we get the opposite in the family as in the society. We don’t encourage each other. Cour means heart. So, encouragement is something in connection with the heart and not the with the brain. We have to talk to the heart instead of the brain, and encouragement goes from one’s heart to the others. Someone, who doesn’t have heart, who doesn’t have courage, he or she is not able to encourage.
Nobody can change the past. Past has already happened. Over. Finished. The future is intangible, opaque, but the good news is that past doesn’t determine future. Anything you did or didn’t do in the past; it is only matter of decision to redo them or not.
You are at home when there are no expectations and you can be yourself. And the other one takes delight in you, doesn’t want to change you, doesn’t criticize you, instead he or she is happy because of you being you.
People should be careful what they decide, because if they jump out of the 20th floor, it is too late to reconsider themselves on the 10th floor.
There is too much noise, too much desire around us. The place where we are, the person who we live with, the family, the workplace lavishes stranger desires on us. This is like a Trojan horse with unwanted desires. It is a very difficult thing because your lover’s, your child’s, your husband’s desire is often stronger and more important than yours.
„Love doesn’t demand anything. Neither to requite it.”